3 Peacemaking Practices You Can Use This Week
Often when we enter into conflict, we are intent on proving the other person wrong or at fault. We inflate their contributions and minimize our own (if we admit any contributions at all). Jesus is saying plainly that first, we must take responsibility for our own sins and contributions to a problem.
Over the last year, our church has been focusing some of our teaching on godly conflict resolution, or peacemaking, as the Bible calls it. Recently, our discipleship groups read works on peacemaking by Ken Sande: The Peacemaker, or the abridged version of that book, Resolving Everyday Conflict. Both books are chock full of biblical, tried-and-true wisdom for resolving conflict. I recommend both to you, especially The Peacemaker.
But since you’ll likely have some form of conflict this week (unless you happen to be sick in bed or otherwise isolated), here are three practices you can try before your book arrives in the mail. They represent elements of peacemaking that especially resonated with my discipleship groups when we read Resolving Everyday Conflict. I find that adopting these methods really changes the course of conflict for the better.
1. Own 100% of your 2%
What Sande means by this is that we all contribute to conflict, even if our contribution happens to be only 2%. Effective conflict resolution requires that we take full responsibility for that 2%—no excuse-making, blameshifting, or scapegoating.
This is related to Jesus’ famous words about correcting others over their sin:
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. (Matt 7:3–5)
Often when we enter into conflict, we are intent on proving the other person wrong or at fault. We inflate their contributions and minimize our own (if we admit any contributions at all). Jesus is saying plainly that first, we must take responsibility for our own sins and contributions to a problem. But Jesus isn’t merely speaking of sequence.
Consider the image Jesus uses. Taking the speck out of someone’s eye requires clarity of vision and acuity of movement. If you’ve ever helped someone get an eyelash out of an eye, you know exactly what I mean. One must be tender and careful.
Now try doing that with a giant log in your own eye. You can’t! The log is blocking your vision.
Jesus is saying that until you take the log out of your own eye (which would block your vision, certainly), not only are you unable to see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye, but you would also be a hypocrite for doing so. How can you correct someone when you won’t even correct yourself?
Sande parlays this principle into a helpful motto for conflicts big and small: “Even if I’m only 2 percent responsible for a conflict, I’m 100 percent responsible for my 2 percent” (Sande, 62).
Virtually every healthy conflict resolution must take this turn at some point. When one party lets down their defenses and owns their contributions, the other party quickly follows. Until then, the conflict only persists. (If you’d like a helpful list of questions you can use next time you and your spouse are fighting, check out page 4 of this handout.)
2. Apologize all the way
You’ve maybe heard the little saying parents sometimes use for how they want their children to obey: “Obey all the way, right away, with a happy heart.” When it comes to issuing an apology, you might try this: “Apologize all the way, right away, with the 7 A’s.”
What are the 7 A’s? They are a helpful way of remembering the aspects of a full and proper apology and/or confession (Sande, 64–67):
Address everyone involved
Avoid “if,” “but,” and “maybe”
Admit specifically
Acknowledge the hurt
Accept consequences
Alter your behavior
Ask for forgiveness (and allow time)
Address everyone involved: “Real confession begins by admitting your sin to everyone directly impacted by it. … The general rule? Your confession should reach as far as your offense” (Sande, 64). So if you yell at your wife in front of the kids, you’re apologizing to both your wife and your kids.
“Part of a sincere apology is acknowledging not only the input (what you did), but also the impact: what it cost the other person.”
Avoid “if,” “but,” and “maybe”: Such words qualify your apology to the point that you either dilute it or eliminate it all together. These words indicate that you aren’t actually taking responsibility for your actions. That is not a real apology. Here are some examples of ways to cut the hedging out of your apologies:
“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings …” → “I’m sorry I spoke rudely to you and hurt your feelings.”
“I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you just …” → “I’m sorry I yelled at you. There’s no excuse for raising my voice.”
“Maybe I was quick to jump to conclusions …” → “I jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst of you when I should have asked instead for an explanation.”
Admit specifically:Being vague about what you’re apologizing for signals that you don’t really understand.
“I blew it as a friend” → “I talked about you behind your back.”
“I could’ve been more honest.” → “I lied about why I was late coming home.”
“I’ve been struggling with lust lately.” → “I watched pornography last night.”
“Your apology should name ways you plan to correct or change your future behavior. The sincerity of your apology is then demonstrated as you go on to actually change the behavior.”
Acknowledge the hurt: Part of a sincere apology is acknowledging not only the input (what you did), but also the impact: what it cost the other person. You might say, “You must have felt really embarrassed when I said those things in front of everyone. I’m so sorry I did that to you.” If you don’t know what the person felt, ask and listen carefully. Then rephrase and apologize.
Accept the consequences: Sande writes, “Accepting any penalty your actions deserve is another way of demonstrating genuine repentance. You might have to correct a piece of gossip you passed on. Or you might have to work extra to pay for any damages you caused to someone’s property.” Such effort also goes a long way in restoring broken trust.
Alter your behavior: Your apology should name ways you plan to correct or change your future behavior. The sincerity of your apology is then demonstrated as you go on to actually change the behavior. When you fail in the behavior again (which is likely), you should issue another apology.
Ask forgiveness (and allow time): It is important to close an apology with a sincere request for forgiveness. I think it’s best to literally say the words, “Will you please forgive me?”
The other person(s) may need some time before they can forgive you, or they may forgive right away but take a good while to warm up to you. You should give them that time rather than demand that they instantly forgive and act as if all is well.
3. Go higher
“Go higher” is the first and foundational principle in Sande’s approach to peacemaking. What he means by it is to frame your conflict with this question: “How can I respond to this conflict in a way that will most glorify God?”
No matter the situation, that means obeying God’s word, especially as it relates to conflict. That will include:
Not returning evil for evil, but overcoming evil with good
Praying for your enemies
Forgiving as Christ forgave you
Taking the log out of your own eye
Going directly to the person who wronged you rather than widening the circle before it’s justified (Matt 18)
Such commitments apply to virtually all conflict scenarios and are ways of disarming our sinful passions before we make a conflict worse. Of course, we need the Spirit to help us in all of this.
Beyond the above, and depending on the nature of the conflict and your role in it, “going higher” could mean:
You overlook a small offense and choose to forgive the other person without bringing it up—in other words, to act as if they apologized and you forgave them.
You lovingly and gently rebuke them for their sin, seeking not to injure them but to restore them to usefulness to God. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.”
You choose to incur or share the cost of consequence of a wrong done toward you as a picture of Christ’s mercy. You willingly give up your rights for the sake of the other and your relationship.
Some improvisation is in order, but the fundamental question is: How can I glorify God in the way I engage this? What is the most Christlike thing I can do? If you’re not sure, seek godly counsel from a friend, pastor, or elder.
So, there you go: three peacemaking practices you can likely employ this week. May God bless us as we grow into peacemakers who reflect his image in all our relationships.
For more teaching on godly conflict resolution, register for our in-house peacemaking conference, happening this Saturday, March 14, from 9–12:30 in the church sanctuary.
