Some Thoughts on Mentorship

The burden of a mentor is to see Christ formed in his mentee, that is, Christ’s character and affections. It is to love what Christ loves, think his thoughts after him, and do his will. This is the goal of mentorship. 

You may know that for the last couple of years, our church leadership has been giving attention to leadership development. One expression of that is that we have been trying to pair emerging leaders with mentors for their continued development. Since we have recently made some of those pairings, I wanted to equip those mentors with some thoughts to guide them. Here is what I’ve shared with them; perhaps it will benefit you in any mentoring relationship you find yourself in. 

Mentorship is Christ-focused imitation

If there is any Bible verse that is most relevant to mentorship, it’s 1 Corinthians 11:1: “Imitate me as I imitate Christ” (NIV). Mentorship flows downward from Christ. You could also say it flows upward to Christ. A mentor is simply trying to model Christlikeness to his mentee. A mentee learns Christlikeness, in part, from her mentor. 

“Mentorship is not about forming oneself in another.”

The template, of course, comes to us through the Scriptures and the regular preaching of God’s word. Scripture gives the standard, and a theological tradition guards the standard. But we all need help mapping the perfect (Christ) onto the imperfect (our own lives). The standard and the abstract take real shape in the little choices we make day in and day out. Mentorship helps form that shape.

For example, Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” I know how Christ loved the church, but imitating that pattern in my marriage can include any number of choices. Having an older man say “This is how I’ve done it” gives me a starting point and may spark fresh, Boffey-household-specific ideas. 

The goal of mentorship is Christ 

Mentorship is not about forming oneself in another. Paul told the Galatian believers that he was in anguish until “Christ was formed” in them. The burden of a mentor is to see Christ formed in his mentee, that is, Christ’s character and affections. It is to love what Christ loves, think his thoughts after him, and do his will. This is the goal of mentorship. 

And so a mentor should be careful not to love his own image too much, and so want to see it in his mentee. I like running; I don’t need my mentee to like running. Temperamentally I am outgoing; I don’t need my mentee to be outgoing. In fact, I may inadvertently make my mentee twice as much a child of hell as I am (Matt 23:15)! The heart is desperately wicked, and the mentor’s ego may commandeer the process and begin to form himself in the mentee instead. The way to guard against this is to put Christ at the center and make his character the goal of formation. If the mentor does this, she will soon find that she needs to be heeding her own advice! 

Mentorship is bidirectional

I am purposefully not saying “mutual” because that suggests no substantive difference between the mentor and the mentee. A mentor cannot properly be called a peer, and so the relationship is not mutual in that sense.

However, it certainly is bidirectional, in that benefits flow both ways. I think of John’s words in 3 John 4: “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” John and Paul both took great delight in the godly example of their disciples and the churches. I know from my own experience of being a mentee that my mentor has been encouraged through our relationship. If I am making progress, it delights my mentor, especially because he has some hand in that. 

Some other benefits are naturally baked into mentorship. A friendship develops. A mentor feels the joy of being useful. The mentee feels the joy of being sincerely interesting to someone she respects. And of course, in the sharing of life and ideas and observations and whatever else, each one learns something new and useful. 

One specific application of this is that a mentor should occasionally let himself be served by the mentee. Be open about needs and shortcomings. Share prayer requests. Even welcome input or advice when appropriate. While the majority of such sharing should be from the mentee to the mentor, the relationship needs some level of reciprocity. 

Mentorship should be sustainable and somewhat organic

In my experience, mentorship lasts when there is some natural chemistry and when the relationship isn’t too rigid or formal. If mentorship only ever looks like meeting for an hour to discuss a book, for example, that is far too narrow in scope to be properly considered mentorship. 

There needs to be some sharing of life, some exposure to each others’ natural habitat, some real vulnerability. While that may be odd or inappropriate in a professional context, it’s appropriate and needful in the context of the local church. As the apostle Paul said, “We cared so much for you that we were pleased to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become dear to us” (1 Thess 2:8, emphasis added).  

“Mentorship doesn’t have to look like a tidy standing meeting.”

This is also a matter of practicality. Sometimes the demands of life simply require a more “on-the-go” approach to mentorship. I like the way Pastor Mark Dever, who has a reputation for mentoring many men effectively, puts it in his book Discipling: 

Even if your schedules work together, discipling relationships take time. Convenience will not entirely eliminate cost. Anytime we do life-on-life relationships, we give each other the gift of time. You can pay that cost in small ways, like talking to others after church or running errands with each other.  You can pay it in larger ways, like scheduling weekly meals together. We can spend time together in a variety of ways: in a coffee shop, at a library, at an auto repair shop, or during yardwork.

You may find that some people are so willing to spend time with you that they’ll fold into your life or serve you or your family. You help to make the time worthwhile by being transparent and honest in the relationship. 

I find this vision of mentorship and discipling compelling: a sort of on-the-go discipleship like we see Jesus do with the twelve. Mentorship doesn’t have to look like a tidy standing meeting. 

Mentorship is not about modeling perfection

Hopefully you are already settled enough about the goals of mentorship (forming Christ) to have worked out this implication, but in either case it bears repeating: mentorship is not about modeling perfection.

First of all, our perfection doesn’t exist, so to model it would be a lie. And secondly, we would be obscuring the very gospel if we suggested to our mentee that we need to be perfect. In reality, in our weakness the power of God is made perfect, and he displays his glory in our frailty (2 Corinthians 4:7–9; 12:1–10). Of course we want to walk uprightly, but the grace of God is the power for everything, and there is no progress without honesty about our shortcomings. 

Dever continues his quote above with these words: 

[...] Our examples of hardship are often more powerful than our stories of success and triumph. Trials expose what our hearts truly trust in, and what our hopes are. Time passing in a fallen world always brings trials. Trials are key times in discipling relationships, whether the trial is in the life of the one discipling or the one being discipled. 

“Perhaps you will be most useful when you have the least to give.”

It is not our shows of strength that inspire, nor how we behave when all is well. Rather, what is revealed in suffering and weakness is what inspires. Will your mentee see you acknowledge your sins and praise God for his grace? Will they see you accept your weakness and trust in God’s strength? Will they see you cling to God for your needs rather than reach deep within yourself? Perhaps you will be most useful when you have the least to give. 

God is so good to train us in righteousness by his word and Spirit, and to place us in community with one another for our upbuilding. We need flesh-and-blood examples of godliness. We need mothers and fathers and children in the faith. May we all be found giving of ourselves in such relationships, both as mentors and as mentees.